MOVIE - Beowulf the Director's Cut (2007)

“Pride is the curse”

Format: Region 1 DVD

I’ve long been a big fan of Robert Zemeckis’ work whose titles include What Lies Beneath, Castaway and Gothika and it saddens me a little that Beowulf doesn’t appear to have received the hype and kudos I feel it deserves.

Beowulf is an Old English poem, author unknown, dating from between the 8^thth centuries. Set in Denmark and Sweden, Beowulf is often cited as one of the most important works of Anglo-Saxon literature. Not one to shy away from a challenge then Zemeckis?

The story of Beowulf starts in the King’s mead hall with much merriment all round until the festivities are quite violently interrupted by Grendel, a demon hell bent on chaos and destruction. The villagers have had to endure Grendel’s attacks night after night but this night seems to be the last straw.

The mead hall is closed and word sent out that there is now a bounty on the demon. His call is answered by Beowulf who, until now, has been battling his way across the ancient world and smiting many a monster, just the man for the job right?

Beowulf defeats the demon but looses the wrath of its mother upon himself and the other villagers. He sets off to the lair of the bodacious she-creature and returns to the village with tales of revenge and retribution exacted. This turn of events paves the way for a tale full of greed, dishonour and ultimately, bad times all round. Oh and one exquisitely rendered dragon.

Prior knowledge of the poem is in no way necessary to enjoy the movie as the storyline engages you as fantasy and folklore based stories often do.

An animated film yes, but I found myself quickly forgetting about this as the vocal talent and jaw-dropping visual effects sweep you headlong into an ancient Danish setting that truly leaves you wanting for nothing. Actually let me expand on the effects. The entire movie was shot using live action motion capture that saw the actors fully acting out their roles which was then converted to CGI gorgeousness.

The wealth of vocal talents include those of Ray Winstone (as our mighty hero Beowulf), Anthony Hopkins (the constantly inebriated and elderly King Hrothgar), Robin Wright-Penn (Queen Wealthow, put upon by her husband and not at all unaware of our hero’s charm and, how to put this, “talents”) and Angelina Jolie (the monster Grendel’s mother. MILF much?!). This is vocal acting at its best. Zemeckis clearly knew what he wanted from his characters and has evoked a sense of time long since past and yet kept everything vivid enough to be relevant even with today’s blasé attitudes.

All in all, Beowulf is an absolute must-see that offers something for every taste be it fantasy, action, history or drama. It’s even worth watching for the beautiful visuals alone. If, like me, you love all the tech and gadgetry that goes into movie-making, the DVD extras have to also be watched.

Beowulf website

Beowulf imdb page

MOVIE - The Happening (2008)

“We've Sensed It. We've Seen The Signs. Now... It's Happening”

Format: Region 1 DVD

Known for his esoteric offerings that frequently fail to deliver anything other than an overwhelming sense of disappointment; I looked to The Happening with hope. His first R rated movie, a great cast and storyline and trailer that really got me excited.

I wish I could say it was a great movie that utterly engrossed me for the whole of it’s 90 minute runtime. I wish I could say that M Night really brought the best out of his cast of usually convincing actors. I wish I could be positive and enthusiastic about the film in general but I would be lying.

The plot is actually pretty sound one. An airborne pathogen is released into the air by plants and flips self-preservation switch in the human mind causing millions to commit suicide. True, this is not the happiest or light-hearted subject matter but then sometimes a little tension and a sense of mortal danger is good for the soul.

I don’t understand how the director managed to coax the God awful acting out of his cast. Granted, I know some people struggle with accepting Mr Wahlberg as a serious actor after the Funky Bunch and the Calvin Klein ads but come on now, Boogie Nights was amazing. I personally found John Leguizamo the most disappointing. After his performances in Romeo & Juliet and Moulin Rouge, I’ve come to take seeing his name on a cast list as a sure sign that I’m going to be entertained.

The story begins in New York City and takes us on a rather meandering exodus across America’s north east. Smaller groups seem to be the only way to avoid the effects of the plant’s neurotoxins and so we find ourselves being taken to smaller towns and coming across ever stranger characters. Mrs Jones with her “why are you eyeing my lemon drink” and child-sized dolls are a strong testament to that.

I’m rarely one to be negative for negative’s sake. Indeed there are a few moments within the film that are in equal amounts truly disturbing and yet enormously compelling (the mass suicides on the building site were very chilling indeed) but these moments are far and few between and really aren’t weighty enough to compensate for just how lacking the film is throughout.

One has to wonder if Shyamlan is trying to send a deeper meaning or message with The Happening. The shocking effect that humans have had on our planet perhaps? Or maybe he’s trying to comment on how, in the face of danger, we desert our fellow man. Who knows. Who cares? Anything to that end has been woefully lost in a quagmire of terrible acting and ill conceived characters.

Catch it on TV rather than renting or buying.

4/10

The Happening website

The Happening imdb page

GAME - Critter Crunch (2009)

Format: PSN Mini Game
Genre: Puzzle

Picture the scene. You have a spare half an hour before you go to work/school/your mother-in-law’s and you are bored. There’s nothing on TV, you’re lacking the concentration for that new book you’ve been meaning to start or you just want a simple distraction.

I found myself in this predicament the other night waiting for Celebrity Big Brother 2010 to start (I know, I know but it’s like crack). I came across an article that directed me to a mini game that promised high-class puzzling fun. Aha, perfect!

A quick trip to the Playstation store and a fairly short download later, I came face to face, (well, screen) with the wonder that is Critter Crunch. Imagine a big, fluffy sack filled with kittens and puppies, then sprinkle some Japanimation style characters, a few kilos of seriously addictive gameplay, a great little armless victory dance and you’ll start to have a idea of what he game is all about.

Don’t be alarmed at the baby animal analogy I just needed to convey how the game warmed my occasionally jaded heart to the point that I almost puked. But in a good way.

You take on the role of Biggs, a doting father who simply wants to provide for his family who are waiting on the other side of the island (useful family no?). You’re mission, should you choose to accept it is to eat. Yep, that’s it, eat. Despite a distinct lack of arms, our wonderful little Biggs manages exceptionally well to gobble his way through row after row of Critters.

The basic premise of the game is the circle of life and the role each Critter plays in the food chain. You eat a small one then spit it back up for a medium one to digest. You then snarf the sated medium, stuffed cheeks and all and launch him at the eagerly awaiting large Critter. With me so far? Good.

Like any good puzzle game should do, Critter Crunch rewards you for “food chains” and combos and you can use the food power ups to deal some extra damage if you get a bit stuck. As you start the game, you’re taken through some tutorial levels (all of which you can skip through) and you are introduced to basics of the game, giving you the chance to really get to grips with the game.

As more and more features are introduced, you are equally guided through the function of each and you never feel completely overwhelmed.

The only thing that irks me about the game is that you use the D-pad to control Biggs rather than the analog stick but that is literally the only thing and it’s a small price to pay.

All in all, a delightful game that is well worth every penny of it’s £4.49 price tag.

But wait, I nearly forgot the best bit of all. You get to barf rainbows! Yes, it’s incredibly infantile. Do I care? Nope.

Critter Crunch website

GAME - Ratchet & Clank - Crack in Time (2009)

Format: PS3
Genre: Adventure

So then, the latest installment of what is most probably my favourite franchise. I’ve waited so long for this game, (I flat out refused to pay a tenner for Quest for the Booty) that when it came through my front door, I swear a little bit of pee may have escaped.

Ripping off the plastic wrap from the case, I fondly recalled the hours I’ve spent with a furry cat-like creature and his alloyed side-kick. Is it the eye candy of the worlds or perhaps the innuendo and Crotchetizer humour? I don’t know but I’m hooked.

The common theme amongst all R&C games are gorgeous visuals, good comedic value and ridiculous weaponry (Sheepinator anyone?) and Crack in Time has this in spades. Because of this, I’m pained to admit I was rather put off by the first world you visit with Ratchet, Zolar Forest.

Don’t get me wrong, the graphics are beautiful but honestly, Fongoids? Shmongoids more like. For whatever reason, Insomniac decided to include these characters that have the appeal and likeability of Gonorrhoea. Their “funny” accents and looks that seem loosely based on Sid from Ice Age grated on my nerves to the point that I wanted to force the controller into my eyes and ears to stop the torture.

But persevere I told myself and persevere I did and boy, am I glad I did. After a thankfully short spell on this planet you are thrust headlong into a galaxy packed full of wonderful Ratchet & Clankness.

You spend a good chunk of the game as either Ratchet or Clank as the dynamic duo have been torn apart by the brilliantly nefarious Dr. errr Nefarious.

Clank has definitely come into his own in this game and really feels like an actual character instead of a pair of sarcastic wings. His story unfolds and you gain new abilities that are quite fun to master. I must say I felt quite clever after working the Temporal Recordings puzzles.

What of the ridiculous weaponry I hear you cry? Well, it’s there, but it’s not the best I’ve seen in the series. That said, Fred the creature who is summoned by the Rift Inducer brought endless smiles and smug satisfaction but seriously, when will the developers realise that the Sixaxis function for the Dynamo of Doom is crap? Sorry I can’t give a more succinct critique of the weapon but it is just CRAP.

Of course, the all-time favoured weapon of choice is still the RYNO V. Rip You A New One? Be better to say “force-feed you Rohypnol and anally violate you” but FFYPANV isn’t quite as catchy I suppose.

I did find the game to be a bit buggy, getting trapped between rocks or inside trees and the like to the point that you have to restart the entire system. The load screens are waaaaaay to looooooong (see what I did there?) but they have at least tried to compensate for this by putting in factoids that at least divert you from boredom for a few seconds. I also felt that the game was too short but then, “leave them wanting more” seems to be the norm these days.

All in all, I’ve really enjoyed the playing experience and have had many a moment of “just one more level, oh crap, it’s 4am” but I think this should be a prerequisite of any good game. The majority of characters are developed well and believable in an unbelievable way and the gameplay itself is engaging. The controls are responsive and easy to get to grips with and there are a ton of extras and skill points to ensure that you are sat on your bum for hours on end.

9/10

Insomniac Games website